it’s 11:57 at night. but my blog probably won’t say that…cuz i havn’t written it yet.

i’ve been playing on loop all day “can’t get it right today” by joe purdy.

i was just kinda thinking about relationships. Mostly the friendship type. Well, all types i guess.

This one time this girl got all crazy on me…like crazy. Like kicking snow and asking rhetorical questions crazy. It turned out to be alright because i just let her go on and on while i watched and then walked away. But not before I pointed out the ridiculous situation she got herself into and how she looked kinda crazy…i did all that just by saying a few words. I felt really vindicated after I said those words. I should’ve probably felt guilty instead, but I didn’t.

This one time my dad helped me out of a situation and gave more than he should have. Then at that moment I realized he pretty much does this all the time and it was just normal to me and in these past situation i also realized i would have felt angry if he hadn’t given more than he should have. At that moment in time i felt extremely guilty and almost asked him not to help me after all. But i didn’t. I didn’t even say thankyou. I don’t know why. is this how i am with God too?

This one time in second grade some boy was trying to take our jump ropes at lunch time…and he even cussed at my friend. It felt very traumatizing at the time, though I’m sure all he said was “hell”. I hit his shoulder to get him to go away. He did. I spent the rest of the day avoiding every proctor on campus. I didn’t want to get in trouble you know.

This one time i had a secret with somebody. it wasn’t scandalous or anything but i know now that it shouldn’t have been a secret. i just wanted him to like me so i covered for him. he was using me. then i think he might have been hit with the “God” stick because he started to persue me, for reals this time. he wanted to start coming to church with me and told me he thought we should get married. i freaked out and stopped taking his calls. he didn’t stop calling and i got my number changed. i was 17. i had a dream about him the other night, i dont really remember what it was about though. i still get this stomach drop feeling when i see his car at the target parking lot.

like i said…i’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. and i figured out i’m not good at them.

if you actually read through this mind throw up, sorry. it’s been a weird day for me.